20 March 2006
I know we still have way more than halfway to go through our relationship. And I am holding on to it with my dear life. I exert all the strength that I have, summon all the courage that I could, to bear the heartache and endure all the pain. But it is sad to say that I feel my strength and courage is already failing. Seems my ailing heart can't bear another pain or guilt. We should not be together. You have a wife, you have two wonderful kids....you have a family. And everytime you talk about anything that you do together, my heart breaks into thousand pieces. I am not jealous as you tell me you're just staying for the kids and I know that you love them dearly. I don't think it's jealousy. It's more of an unwelcome feeling. I feel like there's no room for me in your life. And I fear that there will never be. Everyday, I am gripped by that fear. Every night, I silently pray to God for more strength to carry on. Ironic because I know that what we have is wrong. But only God can help me. Every moment that I am alone, I cry.
But I try to bear in mind every comforting words you say. That you love me so much. That you are just as scared to the bones to lose me. And that I will always have a place in your life. I didn't ask, though, where is that place? In your heart and in your mind? But baby, that isn't enough. Loving me is one thing, but living with me is another. You can love me from afar while you live with your family. But I can't go on loving you just from afar and living without you. A week a month is not enough. You told me to wait for your plans to come together. And that's what I've been doing. Waiting. But you know, I am afraid that after all the waiting and enduring the pains of being a mistress, you will still choose your wife over me in the end. I think that would be too much for me. I don't know if I can handle that. But this a choice that I made...and I have to live with it. At least for now...
Your Baby Doll