An Attempt to Stop the Pain...Don't!

Sitting in a dark corner of the room and nervously biting her nails, she wished the images would stop popping and the voices stop screaming in her head.

Images of her children crying, tugging, clutching at her skirt. Her husband cursing and yelling, "You cheat!" "You whore!" "Slut!" "B****!"

She couldn't take it anymore. She shut her eyes and covered her ears, and started to scream. "Aaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!" It was a long and agonizing scream...

Fists pounding frantically on her door outside. She didn't move from her corner. She stared at the door while gently lifting the bottle to her lips. With a few big gulps, she downed the tasteless liquid in a matter of seconds.

Numbness slowly crept in...enveloping her whole body. She started to relax. Carefully, she lied down on the cold floor. A smile formed on her lips, thinking tomorrow all the pain of the memories would be gone...

***

The above is a fictitious narrative I formed in my head, as I imagined the pain experienced by a person that drove him/her to commit suicide. Although it could very well have been based on true events. I know people who have killed themselves and people who have tried to...by hanging...by cutting...by drinking poison...etc...

I know pain. I know madness. I had been very well acquainted with them at some point in my life. That is why I can understand why or how some people can choose to end their life. I had been there...I was just lucky, I guess, that I was able to stay strong.  But I still remember how painful that was.  It's like I hurt with every beat of my heart.  Every heartbeat...every breath I take was too painful.  It was so agonizing that all I could think of is how I want it to stop hurting. Until I felt that the only way to stop the pain is for my heart to stop beating...and for me to stop breathing.  I really felt like stabbing my heart so it would stop that painful beat.  Or cut my wrist so all the pain would flow out with the blood.  Fortunately, I still was able to clear my mind and pray to God for more strength.

Why am I writing about this now? I am not really sure. Maybe because someone dear to me had just recently tried to kill herself.  And in recounting, sharing my own story with her, it made her feel better.  

So I guess, I just wanted to say to anyone out there who's having a really very difficult time....Whatever it is you're going through, don't lose hope.  Reach out...you might be surprised to find there are a lot of people who love you and are willing to help you.  I, for one, am just here :)