Do you believe that first love never ever dies?
Remember that mind-blowing, heart-bursting feeling of a young love? Sounds pathetic now that we're already adults, right? But admit it or not, we all have been through that stage. And believe it or not, there are some who are still not over it. Who were not able to move on. Especially for those who let their true love just slip away. They still pine for the one that got away. The one they had stupidly let go...
If you're up for some reminiscing or reliving that feeling...Check out this short love story from HeBlogs-SheBlogs! My Goddess
HBSB website is temporarily unavailable so re-posting that story here. Here goes...
It
has been a tradition among my grade school friends to get together at least
once a year. I haven’t attended the past
several years so it was in great anticipation that I walked to my friend’s
house that year. They were already deep
in merriment when I arrived at the party. As soon as I peeked through the gate,
I immediately spotted her, even before the host could let me in. I made my way to the circle and greeted them
one by one. And when I was faced with
her, I didn’t know why but with an impish smile I shook her hand and breathed
an almost inaudible “Good evening.” The
handshake and formal greeting gave me away. I know I looked stupid. This was neither the occasion nor the company
for a handshake. A warm and tight hug
would be more appropriate. We all grew
up together for goodness sake!
She
accepted my hand with a smug knowing smile.
She always knew me…what was inside my heart, my mind. Although at that very moment I didn’t really
know what I was thinking or how I was feeling, it felt as if she knew.
No
other words were exchanged. She didn’t
say anything at all.
“Two
old friends…meet again…wearing older faces…” Our mischievous friend Roma
started singing. At that, we both smiled
knowingly. Well, hers was a knowing and
at the same time, mocking smile. She stood from her chair and punched some
number code on the videoke machine and “Superman” began to play. She handed me the microphone and without a
word, I took it and obediently sang, “I can’t stand to fly…”
The
boys, or I must say “men”, clapped me on the back.
“Wooohh..hoohh”
I
tried to concentrate on the song. And although I knew it by heart, I kept my
eyes on the TV monitor because I was afraid to look elsewhere and accidentally
catch her eyes. I didn’t know if she was
watching me, but I felt a tingling in my spine just thinking that she might be.
She
had…okay, still has that effect on me. Her gaze, her smile, her mere
presence…God, the mere mention of her name! …makes me shiver. Needless to say, her voice, especially if
directed at me, shakes me like an earthquake. After all those years, she still
has that effect on me.
She
took the mic from me when I finished the song.
Another set of numbers were punched. Turning to me and looking straight
into my eyes, she meaningfully said, “And this is my response to that.” An unfamiliar song began playing.
“I
took a walk around the world to ease my troubled mind….”
“Kryptonite”
was the title of the song, I think. It
was the first time I heard her sing and she rocked! I didn’t quite understand
the lyrics, but I sure felt the accusation in her tone. The words were not
registering in my mind but the emotion sharply cut into my heart. I watched and listened intently. I was entranced, mesmerized. My eyeballs were stuck on her and suddenly, I
was the little lovesick boy again.
I
still remember the first time I saw her. It was in the first grade. A shy, quiet girl. To me then, there was
nothing cuter than those pigtails, pony tail, and whatever kind of tails that
she pulled her hair into. Nothing
brighter than her big intelligent eyes.
The eyes of a little goddess that could command me to do her bidding any
time, any day. It felt that there was
nothing in this world that I wouldn’t do for her. To protect her…to love her…to be loved by
her…or to simply be near her. I would go
to school very early so I could have more time to see her. And even during the year we were not
classmates and were on different schedules, I would still arrive early so I
could catch even just a glimpse of her as her class was dismissed. Every boy
who did her wrong or teased her too much would be punished in one way or
another by me. She didn’t know and
neither did the boy know what he was being punished for. I just tried to avenge her in any way I can.
From
a distance, I watched her grow in beauty. As days and years went by, my young
boy’s heart was filled with her and her alone. I had each of her feature, gesture, habit and
mannerism, etched in my mind. The way she runs around in childhood play, the way
her eyebrows knit together in irritation.
Especially the way her eyes glare when she gets really angry. I knew
then that that little goddess would haunt me forever.
The
little goddess had grown into a woman and she was still every bit of a goddess
to me. Her voice, still deep and
authoritative. Her mere presence commands obedience. Her now pixie hair was
something new to her and it added more boldness in her already daring
character. Her slender shoulders, bared in the tube dress she was wearing, were
deliciously alluring. Her long legs, parted underneath her flowered skirt in a rock
star stance, were definitely tempting.
Her coyishly sexy dress didn’t quite fit the rock song she was belting
out, but that’s what she really is. A
paradox of nature. And as she was standing there singing that song to me, she
mesmerized me again as she did a long time ago.
I
snapped back to reality when our friends started jeering me at the end of her
song.
“Go,
Dravin! Go!”
“Dravin,
what can you say to that?”
“Any
retaliate song?”
I
couldn’t answer. All I could do was
smile for I was still reeling from the trance.
***
We,
the boys, walked the girls home that night.
I walked beside her with another friend. The others, who were walking
ahead of us, were looking back at us and teasing us. We just ignored them. We talked about childhood memories together,
about other classmates who weren’t there with us that night. There was no mention of anything too personal.
Just about grade school experiences in general.
Oh,
how I missed her. I missed talking to her. Just listening to her made my heart
swell to a point of bursting.
Finally,
we reached her house and casually said goodnight. As I walked home alone, I began to think…ask
myself, “Why did I ever let her go???” She was not “the one that got
away”. She was “The One” and I stupidly
left her behind, hanging. Stupid…what?
Pride? Principle? Values? I don’t know. It was just plain stupidity. I was
stupid! Stupid! Stupid! If only I didn’t let it, whatever it was, get the best
of me, I wouldn’t be walking home now to a wife, whom I am not even sure if I
really love. I wouldn’t be so sad,
devastated, guilty, and needless to say, regretful.
Lying
on the matrimonial bed, I thought about her.
About the recent rendezvous. I wished to see her again. I was sure we would. I didn’t know when but
for sure when we do, it would be at another friends’ get together. And for sure, there would be our other male
friends again who would also be looking longingly at her just as I would. I
know that most of our male friends, classmates, had a thing for her. Even my own cousin, who was also in our
class/batch. It didn’t escape my
watchful police eyes that he was also transported back to the old days while he
was watching her that night. And I saw
that he was still in love with her.
Fortunately for me, he was also married like me. So he was no competition. Haha! What competition was I talking about?
There was…there is no competition. She
was a goddess, for goodness sake! And we
were just mere mortals. We didn’t stand
a chance. Well, I did. I just turned my back on it. Breathing out a
deep and hopeless sigh, I tried to sleep.
***
The
next time I saw her was at a friend’s wake.
The same group of friends, who witnessed us grow closer and fall apart.
After
paying our respects and crying a bit (well, the girls did), the group started
the usual bantering. Roma, the rumors
and intrigue queen, went picking on me again.
“Okay. We are gathered here tonight for our dear
departed friend. And I’m sure, he would
really like to know, being an avid fan of your love team, whatever happened to
you two?”
“Huh?
What do you mean?” was my innocent response.
“Well,
didn’t you have a thing for Livinia before?”
My
play-safe answer was, “Well, all of the boys in our class, even in other
classes, had a thing for her. Why don’t you ask Adrian here?”
I pointed to my cousin beside me in the hope to divert the attention
from me
Roma
turned to him, “Well?”
“As
he said, all of the boys had so I guess that includes me.” He was also being
smart. I knew that he had more than a
crush.
I
didn’t expect to get off the hook that easy so I wasn’t surprised when Roma
turned to me again.
“Going
back to you….once and for all settle the question that has been bugging us
all. Did you and Livinia ever become an
item? Were you ever together, at all?”
Livinia
and I both answered the question at the same time.
“Yes.”
“NO!”
The
yes was mine. The no was hers.
I
asked her, “Didn’t we?”
“No,
we did not…because you rejected me, remember?”
Finally,
the accusation was loud and clear. And direct.
She
explained to our eager friends how I suddenly and without explanation stopped
courting her soon after she confessed to me that she also loves me. I knew that
it wasn’t the first time they heard the story but still they looked aghast at
the mystery of it. Why, oh why would I
give up the girl I adored, I worshipped since I was a kid? I loved her for what? 17 years? Since the 1st
up to the 6th grade that we went to class together. Continued until high school even if we were
not classmates anymore and I seldom saw her.
And even during college when we never saw and never even heard news
about each other at all. I would draw images or faces that looked like
her. I carved her name in my
guitar. I would always scrawl her name
on papers whenever I was idle. Until we both graduated and started working
already, I still loved her. In those 9
years of her absence in my life, she never left my heart. There was no other girl. Even until now, I still love her.
So
why? Why did I leave her after barely a
year of courtship? Why leave her then, especially after she told me that she
already fell in love with me, too?
“Why
did you stop?”
“She
knows why.”
“No,
I don’t.”
“I
already told you.”
“No,
you did not.”
“I
did.”
“Okay,
let’s pretend you did. But I’m saying
now that I forgot, so tell me again.”
I
addressed the audience, “It was because I am intimidated by her. She’s so intelligent. She knows a lot of things that I don’t. Sometimes, she talks about things that I have
no inkling about.”
“But
you know Livinia. She’s flexible. She
can level with anybody.”
“But
I don’t want her to go down my level.
I’m the man. I should be the one carrying the relationship.”
“That’s
it? That’s your reason? That’s so
shallow!” Roma insisted.
“Well,
there’s one other thing.’
“What
is it?” Livinia asked with an eyebrow arched.
“I’ll
tell you another time. It’s not for everybody to hear.” I whispered to her.
“Yeah,
right. Like we will have another time like this again.” Looked like she badly needed to know the
answer. And it was only
understandable. I left her hanging.
“I
will come to Manila and spend time with you before I leave the country. If you will allow it, that is.”
She
looked doubtful but resigned. “Whatever.”
I
meant what I said. I really wanted to
see her, be with her before I fly to a dangerous land. Who knows, I might die there and I didn’t
want to leave without saying goodbye to her and letting her know my true
feelings.
***
I
arrived too early for our date. Sitting
nervously on a bench in that strange city, I waited for her. Then I spotted her from a distance. I took in every step and gait she made,
every turn of her head, every sway of her arms.
I watched the wind blow her now longer wavy hair. I have always loved her hair. It was a
natural dark brown, which becomes lighter with the glint of the sun or light.
She
didn’t see me so she went straight inside the bookstore, which was our agreed
meeting place. I waved at her through
the glass wall and she started to walk towards me. Smiling her signature sweet
smile, baring a perfect set of pearly whites.
We
had dinner at the Old Spaghetti House. It felt like I was having my last
supper, especially when after we ate she showed me the record of all the poems
she wrote for me during our courtship and after I left her. She recited and recorded them over a
powerpoint presentation. It was kind of cruel of her to remind me of my
mistake. Of my great loss. But I guess it was her way of telling me how
hurt she was when I left her. So I guess I deserved it. Actually, I deserved worse. Every word, every
line she composed hit me like a splash of icy water. It was all true. I had hurt her. I never thought it possible but I did, make my
goddess bleed and cry. I was an idiot.
After
hearing those heartfelt poems, I could not bring myself to tell her my shallow
reason for turning my back on her. But I
had to. That was what I came there
for. And when she asked, I couldn’t
avoid it anymore.
“So…what
was it?”
“First,
I’d like to say sorry. You don’t know
how sorry I am. I was wrong to think
that way. I was young and stupid. Too idealistic for my own good. “
She
just looked at me and listened.
“I
thought virtue was everything. You know
very well I worshipped you like a goddess.”
She just nodded.
“You
could say that the pedestal, the altar, I put you on shattered when you told me
you were no longer a virgin. That is why
I was so angry with that ex-boyfriend of yours.”
“What? But you told me then that it didn’t matter.
You even said that it was nothing compared to you, who already had 5 women.”
“That
was a lie. I just said that so you wouldn’t be embarrassed. I was virgin then. “
“What,
what, what?”
“See?
I know it’s shallow. More than shallow, it was a stupid reason. I’m sorry. I
know better now. Virginity isn’t important and I learned that the hard way.
Now, I’m tied in an empty marriage.”
“Well,
I never thought.” Then she laughed. It was laugh that says, “Yeah, it was a
stupid reason and I’m glad I’m not married to a narrow-minded prick like you.”
Then
she added, “Is that why you did nothing else but kiss me endlessly that one
summer night we spent together? Is that why you didn’t go lower than my neck?”
I
remember that night. It was the night
that I felt she also loved me. The night
that I told her that I would continue loving her even if she didn’t become my
wife. What a stupid thing to say!
The
plan for an overnight swimming with our friends failed. She didn’t tell me that they had backed
out. So I was shocked to see her at the
meeting place, alone. She came without
our friends so we ended up spending the night alone in our barracks. We laid face down the futon on the floor,
talking until the wee hours of the morning. I placed my right hand on her back.
“Is
it heavy?”
“Yes.”
I
lifted my hand but she hurriedly added, “But it’s okay.”
I
put it back and slowly turned her over so I could hold her. Her back to me, my lips slightly touching her
neck. Her hair smelled minty cool. She rolled over and faced me.
“Your
embrace feels nice,” she said.
We
were so close, face to face, nose to nose.
But still I couldn’t bring myself to kiss her. It took forever to summon the courage. After what seemed like eternity, I kissed her
lips and she responded with delicate urgency. It was a long lingering kiss.
“Wow…you’re
a good kisser.” It was not the right
thing to say, I know but it was all I could think of and she really was. But then again, what do I know? I was a
virgin then. All I know was that it felt
really good. Her tongue felt deliciously warm inside my mouth.
So
going back to her question, I answered, “Yes, partly.”
“Damn!
I could have been your first,” she winked. Clearly, she was done lamenting over
our could-have-beens.
I
was not. It could have completed the circle of firsts. My first crush, first love, first kiss and
first you-know-what. More than being a
virgin, it was embarrassing to admit that at 24, she was my first real kiss…but
I cherish it.
***
After
dinner, we bought tickets for a movie but before we went to see it, we sang a
few songs at one of those tiny videoke booths at the video game station. As usual, she rocked! The rock songs she sang all had relevance to
how I felt about her. They stung but I
relished the pain.
All
the while I was thinking of how exciting my life could be if it was her I
married instead of the boringly simple wife I now have. The movie we watched was something my wife
wouldn’t be interested to see. And the
things Livinia and I talked about were things my wife would surely yawn
at. She couldn’t hold an intelligent
conversation. All she could talk about
were telenovelas and neighborhood rumors.
But what can I expect from a 22-year old high school graduate? I married a child. She was only 18 when I got her pregnant.
Sigh…
Regrets…regrets. How can I be feeling such deep awful regret
when I already have two children! Argh!!!!
I was really stupid!
As
if the recorded poems and rock songs, which for her were love songs, were not
enough to torture me, the band played the song “Lips of an Angel” right after
we got seated at a bar we went to after the movie. She looked at me and
smiled. I asked her to dance but she
refused.
Oh
God, how my arms ached to hold her. She
was so near and yet I couldn’t touch her.
It was already past midnight and I wanted to take her some place where
we could be alone but I didn’t have the courage to ask her. I wasn’t worthy. I had no right to ask her anything. I dumped her, for crying out loud! Too fucking stupid! I couldn’t say it enough.
We
walked to her office. She said she
wanted to show me where she worked. It
was like we were catching up on things, lost times, and saying goodbye at the
same time. We walked and walked around
the block. Stopped at a 24-hour
convenient store for midnight snack. Talked some more. I don’t’ really remember the things we talked
about. They didn’t matter, as long as I was with her and hearing her
voice.
Until
at last, there was nothing else to do but say goodbye. She hailed a cab, gave me a quick peck on the
cheek and before I knew it, was gone.
I
stood on the sidewalk stunned, unable to move or even think. My goddess was gone…. Away from me… forever.
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