Short Story: To Die Happy

All her life, all she ever dreamed of was to be happy. Not that her life was miserable. She wasn't like a soap opera heroine, whose whole life is a misery. Her life was, in fact, nice. She had education, she had a good job, she was loved by her family and boyfriend was never a problem because she was admired by a lot of men. But she wasn't really happy.



She grew up in the province where life was simple. Went to the barrio school, had lots of friends, graduated with honors. Behind these though, were hardships of the family. No food, no money for tuition fee, no house of their own, begging help from relatives who take advantage of them. Her young mind took note of all these and promised herself that when she grows up she would give her family a comfortable life.

She struggled through college. No money, no allowance. She survived with the help of her grandfather who worked abroad. She budgeted what little money she got from other people’s help.

The moment she got a job, she took over sending her sister to school. They lived in a boarding house and together, they shared whatever little salary she had. They lived on instant noodles and canned goods.

Since then, her life was spent caring for her family. She was the breadwinner of the family. She sends her little sister to school. Pays all the bills, buys food and all other things that a family needs to live. She had her own share of pain and heartaches. But it wasn't a desperate life. But she wasn't happy, either. Something was missing in her life. One day, she said to herself that the only thing she wants is to die happy.

She had a few relationships with men. Some good. Some were bad choices. And just when she accepted the fact that there might not be a man for her, that she just won't really fall in love, she met the Love of her life. He was all she could ask for and more. She felt almost complete. But she knew it wouldn't be easy. And it would be a very tough road ahead. Because the man she truly fell in love with is already married to another woman. And like every married man's excuse for having a mistress, his is an unhappy and unhealthy marriage.

So, she got on with the relationship with a vague hope that someday, he would marry her. But it was a lot harder than she thought. She was happy with the man. But the happiness wasn't complete. She was constantly nagged by guilt that they shouldn't be together, haunted by fear that they will never be together, by fear that she will never measure up to his expectations, that she will never be good enough for him, that one day he will decide that he's still better off with his wife.

Sometimes, she'd go crazy and cry the whole night or day. She was gripped by these guilt and fears. Mocked by things that she sees or hears. Like there were a thousand voices telling her that they don't belong together. That she doesn't fit anywhere in his life. That she must break up with him. But she knew she would die if she did that. Maybe not literally, but she knew her heart would die. Would never love again. Would never feel again.

But it wasn't always like that. She was happy when they were together. Sometimes they fight. But most of the times, the fight ends in making love.

It was a year of bliss and despair closely entangled together. Exactly a year....

On their first anniversary, they went to a beach. Just the two of them. Enjoyed the day together. Woke up early. Made love twice before getting out of the bed. Shared a nice breakfast, swam in the ocean, had a sumptuous lunch, then took a nap. Then made love again before going back to the ocean. Watched the sunset together then had a romantic dinner.

It wasn't a candlelit romantic kind of dinner. They just had barbecue near the beach with some beer and a nice conversation. It was that simple but she was very happy. In fact, she was elated. She felt like it was the next best thing to heaven.

Then they went to bed. She made love passionately to her man. She did everything she thinks would make him happy. Even her man, was surprised. When he fell asleep, she slipped out of the bed and soaked in the warm tub. There, she thought of how happy she was. Her sister had just finished college and would soon get a job. She would now have her sister help her in taking care of their parents. She asked herself, "Isn't life wonderful?"

There's her true love, lying on the bed. She knows he loves her very much and she couldn't ask for more. If only this day with him could last forever...Then she thought, “I couldn't be any happier than today.”

The next morning, her man found her lying lifeless in the tub. Blood drained from the wound on her wrist. Written in blood on the wall: "Thanks for everything, baby. I got my dream...I die happy."