Love... Life... and Lies...

Way Back Into Love, Life, Lies and Blog...

2012-01-24T22:57:00.002+08:00

It's been a very long while since my last real post here. I've been busy with love, life and lies of real life that I didn't have time for blog. Now, I'm back!

Here's to hoping to blog regularly, if not very frequently!

Cheers!

illustratiopath: Sneak Peak

2011-12-10T12:35:00.000+08:00

illustratiopath: Sneak Peak: It has been a really busy few months! Hence the sporadic updates here. But good news is here's a preview on some art i've been work...

Four Days of Goodbye

2010-03-14T16:14:00.001+08:00

03.13.10
18.37

Day 1

He appeared one Monday afternoon
Without warning, without being fetched
Suddenly everything is in tune
Bittersweet happiness so perfectly sketched

We stood still for a moment
Could hardly believe our eyes
Hearts sharing the same sentiment
Racing so fast, reaching the skies

We spent the afternoon looking back
Reminiscing, relishing, reliving
The past that we couldn’t bring back
So much for wishful thinking

Gave him my going away presents
Priceless, he said, they are
Though reminiscent of the mistake he resents
He’ll treasure them like a star

In the darkness of the theater
He held me ever so light
But I know him better
Knew he wanted to squeeze me tight

In the dim bar, he held my hand
And put it gently on his lips
While Lips of an Angel was played by the band
As if the singer knew our hearts in his quips

We left and walked hand in hand
Strolled through the city as it sleeps
Walked until too tired to stand
While each heart silently weeps

Time to say goodbye, my friend
Gave him a quick kiss for goodnight
I thought that was the end
So I hugged him ever so tight

Day 2 & 3

Then Saturday morning we meet again
So excited to spend the whole day
To be together until its end
Do whatever, come what may

We traveled down south
Enjoying the morning breeze
Contented without a doubt
So peacefully calm, perfectly at ease

We shared a hearty meal
With a heartfelt conversation
We were guided by what we feel
Though still felt the air of tension

Then spent the hot afternoon
Watching Great Expectations
While on the mat we spooned
Thinking of our own failed expectations

I could feel his breath on my neck
And I was in turmoil of emotion
My heart was feeling so wrecked
As we both controlled our passion

Surrendering, he turned me around
Squeezed and kissed me with so much ardor
I kissed back but cried without a sound
Suppressed feelings flowed in great fervor

I did not want it to happen
But I guess it was bound to
When lost love meet again
There is nothing you can do

He called out my name
As we became one
Said this is me, still the same
The same love, never gone

We shared the night
Like we once did before
Held each other tight
Knowing this will happen nevermore

We held on to the moment
Until the morning light
Tried to forget the present
Wishing with all his might

He tells me he is mine
He said it, over and over
Until the end of time
That I’ll leave his heart, never

I believe he’s still hoping
For us to be together
Maybe just wishful thinking
That we are meant forever

Day 4

Thursday, we meet again
One last time, one last chance
For his heart that will never mend
One last step, in one last dance

It was the night before he leaves
The last moment for him to hold
In his heart that painfully grieves
Bittersweet memories that must not be told

For no one would understand
No one would really believe
In the love he professes to have
For me, whom he can never be with

And it all happened too fast
The last kiss, the last embrace
Like a blast from the past
He vanished without so much of a trace

Swimming Against the Tide

2009-04-26T18:58:00.001+08:00

26 April 2009
18:31

Just keep swimming, swimming
Until I get to the bottom of it
And soon I’ll be swimming up
Or so I hope, despite all of it.

I will swim against the tide
Until I lose my legs and arms
Down to my last breath
Until I’m back into your arms

Just keep swimming, swimming
Until the vastness swallow me whole
And I drown to death in my own tears
And the devil claim my ever sinful soul

I will swim against the tide
If it’s the last thing I could do
I just pray for a little help
Breathe hope into me, please do

A Cry for Help

2009-04-26T13:49:00.000+08:00

26 April 2009
13:31

I used to believe that dreams and wishes come true
Until I thoughtlessly fell in love with you
Now all I see is black and white
And found myself on the wrong side of right

I’ve heard this line too many times before
And I really should be walking out the door
But how can something so good be so wrong?
Or how can something be weak and yet strong?

How can I still dream of happiness?
When my only companion lately is loneliness
How can I hope that everything will be alright?
When you are always out of my sight

Not a glimmer of hope you bring
All I can feel is the sting
Of the stigma I put on myself
I sure could use a little a help

RANDOM THOUGHTS 3

2009-04-10T20:25:00.002+08:00

04.08.07
12.46

• When I look into your eyes, my heart is torn between bliss and sorrow. My mind is racing with incoherent thoughts that make me cry because they all voice one thing--here's a man whom I love so dearly and who loves me dearly in return but will never ever be mine.

RANDOM THOUGHTS 2

2009-04-10T20:25:00.001+08:00

03.13.07
1.37

• I am a double-edged sword. You will love me, and you will hate me. Your choice--take me or leave me.

03.13.07
23.18

• At the end, I want to be able to stand on top of the rubles of my heart; and not lie crumbled with it.

03.14.07
16.59

• My heart is full of guilt and doubts. It is afraid to love you more...to love you too much.

RANDOM THOUGHTS 1

2009-04-10T20:23:00.002+08:00

01.02.07

• Haven't you noticed how easier it is to make people cry than to make them laugh? It's because most people are eternally sad and only momentarily happy. Only a handful are truly happy.
• To my Love: "You only meant to save her but you failed to realize that she also needed to heal her wounds alone."

Letters from a Young Mistress

2009-04-10T20:17:00.000+08:00

2nd Letter

22 Mar. 2006
Wed., 20.15

Baby,

Am I upset? No. Unfriendly? I don't think so. That's how you reply sometimes. So I didn't think you'd mind if i do the same. I did it now coz I'm not feeling well. It's the first day of my period and I can't wait to get home, lie down and prop my feet up.

But there are two more reasons for that "not so friendly" goodnight. First, I just noticed this...when you're sweet to me, I always return it with sweetness. When I am sweet to you, yes, sometimes you reciprocate it. But most of the time, my sweetness is answered by nonchalance. You're like, ok, whatever. Especially, in text exchanges. When I text often, you don't reply much. But when I don't, you text and text. And when I stop being sweet, like tonight, you become extra sweet.

Second reason. I've noticed that I've been too sad & depressed and I've been crying too much over you. I am slowly crumbling down. Last Sunday, was a proof. And Monday night, the moment I got home, I started crying again. Wrote a sad letter for you while tears are abundantly and continuously rolling down and are all over my face. I cried myself to sleep again. Woke up with very puffy eyes. I'm losing control of my emotions and I hate it. I've become too painfully attached to you, Baby. And it's not good. Only two things can come out of it. One, I totally breakdown and break up with you. Or two, I scare you away with my psychotic behavior. Both of which, will result to losing you. So I just thought that if I want to keep our relationship, I must pull myself together and fight harder. So now, I am in my defense mode and fighting stance. The plan is not to read too much into things, not to get too affected (like now that your wife is coming with you), not to worry too much, and not to get too attached to and dependent on you. I want to regain control of my emotions. In short, I want to be my old self again. That's all.

Your baby doll

Letters from a Young Mistress

2009-04-10T20:14:00.000+08:00

20 March 2006
Monday, 22.46

Dear Baby,

I know we still have way more than halfway to go through our relationship. And I am holding on to it with my dear life. I exert all the strength that I have, summon all the courage that I could, to bear the heartache and endure all the pain. But it is sad to say that I feel my strength and courage is already failing. Seems my ailing heart can't bear another pain or guilt. We should not be together. You have a wife, you have two wonderful kids....you have a family. And everytime you talk about anything that you do together, my heart breaks into thousand pieces. I am not jealous as you tell me you're just staying for the kids and I know that you love them dearly. I don't think it's jealousy. It's more of an unwelcome feeling. I feel like there's no room for me in your life. And I fear that there will never be. Everyday, I am gripped by that fear. Every night, I silently pray to God for more strength to carry on. Ironic because I know that what we have is wrong. But only God can help me. Every moment that I am alone, I cry.

But I try to bear in mind every comforting words you say. That you love me so much. That you are just as scared to the bones to lose me. And that I will always have a place in your life. I didn't ask, though, where is that place? In your heart and in your mind? But baby, that isn't enough. Loving me is one thing, but living with me is another. You can love me from afar while you live with your family. But I can't go on loving you just from afar and living without you. A week a month is not enough. You told me to wait for your plans to come together. And that's what I've been doing. Waiting. But you know, I am afraid that after all the waiting and enduring the pains of being a mistress, you will still choose your wife over me in the end. I think that would be too much for me. I don't know if I can handle that. But this a choice that I made...and I have to live with it. At least for now...

Your Baby Doll

Trystings

2009-04-10T20:06:00.000+08:00

30 November 2008
0145

Why must we hide
and must not confide
the feelings inside
and just be alive

Why do I always
take these paths and ways
where nothing ever stays
and never there a secure place

Do I never learn
from being burned
right on every turn
emotions in a churn

Not this time though
it's not always so
no, sir. no
just letting things go

Go as they may
whatever you say
come what may
just living each day

Enjoy like it's the last
knowing nothing really lasts
and everything goes fast
just keep the good of the past

I Hope…

2008-08-17T02:22:00.000+08:00

I hope I’m still here
When you finally realize
How long I have been waiting

I hope I’m still here
When you finally do
What you should have done a long time ago

I hope I’m still here
When you finally see
That you can’t live without me

I hope I’m still here
When you’re finally ready
When you’re finally free

I hope you’d be
Before somebody else finds me
As I stand here waiting for you

I hope you’d come
Before I collapse here
And that somebody picks me up

Spirited Away

2008-08-03T13:36:00.003+08:00

Seduced by some strange light
Pushed by the wind
Pulled through a tunnel
To a foreign land beyond
Can’t tear the eyes off
Of such a beautiful sight
Taken aback and breathless
Was hypnotized and paralyzed

Swept and spirited away
Now lost and drowning
I know where I want to go
But not how to get there
Longing for home
But where is home?
No momeraths to point the path
Neither a yellow brick road to follow

Letting feelings and intuitions be the guide
Nothing else to trust or hold on to
Except myself and my faith
That somehow will make it through
My Haku is as lost as I am
And all odds are against us
Each other is all we have
Hope our love can save us

Short Story: To Die Happy

2008-07-27T00:06:00.005+08:00

All her life, all she ever dreamed of was to be happy. Not that her life was miserable. She wasn't like a soap opera heroine, whose whole life is a misery. Her life was, in fact, nice. She had education, she had a good job, she was loved by her family and boyfriend was never a problem because she was admired by a lot of men. But she wasn't really happy.

She grew up in the province where life was simple. Went to the barrio school, had lots of friends, graduated with honors. Behind these though, were hardships of the family. No food, no money for tuition fee, no house of their own, begging help from relatives who take advantage of them. Her young mind took note of all these and promised herself that when she grows up she would give her family a comfortable life.

She struggled through college. No money, no allowance. She survived with the help of her grandfather who worked abroad. She budgeted what little money she got from other people’s help.

The moment she got a job, she took over sending her sister to school. They lived in a boarding house and together, they shared whatever little salary she had. They lived on instant noodles and canned goods.

Since then, her life was spent caring for her family. She was the breadwinner of the family. She sends her little sister to school. Pays all the bills, buys food and all other things that a family needs to live. She had her own share of pain and heartaches. But it wasn't a desperate life. But she wasn't happy, either. Something was missing in her life. One day, she said to herself that the only thing she wants is to die happy.

She had a few relationships with men. Some good. Some were bad choices. And just when she accepted the fact that there might not be a man for her, that she just won't really fall in love, she met the Love of her life. He was all she could ask for and more. She felt almost complete. But she knew it wouldn't be easy. And it would be a very tough road ahead. Because the man she truly fell in love with is already married to another woman. And like every married man's excuse for having a mistress, his is an unhappy and unhealthy marriage.

So, she got on with the relationship with a vague hope that someday, he would marry her. But it was a lot harder than she thought. She was happy with the man. But the happiness wasn't complete. She was constantly nagged by guilt that they shouldn't be together, haunted by fear that they will never be together, by fear that she will never measure up to his expectations, that she will never be good enough for him, that one day he will decide that he's still better off with his wife.

Sometimes, she'd go crazy and cry the whole night or day. She was gripped by these guilt and fears. Mocked by things that she sees or hears. Like there were a thousand voices telling her that they don't belong together. That she doesn't fit anywhere in his life. That she must break up with him. But she knew she would die if she did that. Maybe not literally, but she knew her heart would die. Would never love again. Would never feel again.

But it wasn't always like that. She was happy when they were together. Sometimes they fight. But most of the times, the fight ends in making love.

It was a year of bliss and despair closely entangled together. Exactly a year....

On their first anniversary, they went to a beach. Just the two of them. Enjoyed the day together. Woke up early. Made love twice before getting out of the bed. Shared a nice breakfast, swam in the ocean, had a sumptuous lunch, then took a nap. Then made love again before going back to the ocean. Watched the sunset together then had a romantic dinner.

It wasn't a candlelit romantic kind of dinner. They just had barbecue near the beach with some beer and a nice conversation. It was that simple but she was very happy. In fact, she was elated. She felt like it was the next best thing to heaven.

Then they went to bed. She made love passionately to her man. She did everything she thinks would make him happy. Even her man, was surprised. When he fell asleep, she slipped out of the bed and soaked in the warm tub. There, she thought of how happy she was. Her sister had just finished college and would soon get a job. She would now have her sister help her in taking care of their parents. She asked herself, "Isn't life wonderful?"

There's her true love, lying on the bed. She knows he loves her very much and she couldn't ask for more. If only this day with him could last forever...Then she thought, “I couldn't be any happier than today.”

The next morning, her man found her lying lifeless in the tub. Blood drained from the wound on her wrist. Written in blood on the wall: "Thanks for everything, baby. I got my dream...I die happy."

On Love and Lies

2008-07-26T01:38:00.002+08:00

We all love. We all lie. Who doesn't? Sometimes we lie for love. Sometimes we just love to lie. Isn't that so true?

Sometimes love is covered with lies. Sometimes a person lives in two different worlds because of love. What is more painful than being loved in secrecy? What a bittersweet feeling, knowing that the person you love loves you as fiercely as you love him but cannot bring you into his real world. That he cannot find it in his heart of hearts the courage to.

The world you are in together? It is just a make-believe. A fantasy. It is such a horrible feeling, always fearing that you would wake up one day and realize that it's all just a dream. That he just strung you along and made you believe that someday, somehow, he would make everything alright--all right.

He might not have lied to you. He might have believed it himself. But the thing is, he wasn't brave enough. He realized he couldn't do it. He was too scared. And there you were, left alone. Shocked at the blow. But why would you be? You should have known it. You should have seen it coming.

A love born out of a lie will go nowhere. It seldom does. It rarely does. But you hoped that you would be one of those rare cases. Oh well, that is your folly. Who could blame you?

Love is a temptress. It lures you, seduces you. No one has the right to blame you. Anyone who has truly loved would understand you. Those who don't are ignorant of love. Sadly, they never knew true love.

Love lies. It even lives in lie to survive, to continue loving...even if it hurts like hell.

On Hell and Damnation

2008-07-26T00:58:00.001+08:00

Do you believe in hell? You don't? Believe it. It's right here on earth. You can see it everywhere. You just have to open your eyes and try not to be blind.

Life is hell for the poor living under the bridge, no food, no decent shelter. Life is hell for people in jail. Life is hell for people whose love is unrequited. Life is hell for those guilty souls roaming the earth and living a double life. Life is hell for those who are left with their fear that there is no tomorrow.....

Life can be hell, alright. And those people are damned. But that's because we make it so. We can be free. If only we have the courage.

LOVE

2008-07-25T23:37:00.001+08:00

Love may come in the strangest of places
Under the strangest of circumstances
In the strangest of times
To the strangest of people
Love is not always right
But never is it wrong
LOVE IS JUST IS
You can’t make it otherwise
Yes, you can try and fight it
But you would just end up dead
Until you open your heart and love once more
You would never be alive ever again, like before...